1 00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:05,738 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:05,736 --> 00:00:08,495 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:08,493 --> 00:00:11,052 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:11,051 --> 00:00:14,170 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:14,169 --> 00:00:16,928 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:16,927 --> 00:00:19,566 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:19,565 --> 00:00:24,964 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,879 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:28,877 --> 00:00:33,437 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:38,549 --> 00:00:41,628 The English Civil War pitted the Royalist supporters 11 00:00:41,627 --> 00:00:45,226 of the King against the Roundhead supporters of Parliament. 12 00:00:45,224 --> 00:00:49,104 Everyone took sides, even highwaymen, like James Hind. 13 00:00:49,102 --> 00:00:53,020 I don't know why we can't take the main road. It's making me nervous. 14 00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:55,657 It's quicker this way on foot, isn't it? 15 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,575 Look, you don't need to worry, it's perfectly safe. 16 00:00:58,573 --> 00:01:02,252 - Stand and deliver, your money or your life! - Take my wedding ring. 17 00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:04,729 - Hang on, let's not get ahead of ourselves. - What? 18 00:01:04,728 --> 00:01:07,927 Before the robbery, there's a few questions I need to ask. 19 00:01:07,926 --> 00:01:10,805 Are you, or have you ever, been a Parliamentarian 20 00:01:10,803 --> 00:01:13,162 or in any other way opposed to King Charles? 21 00:01:13,162 --> 00:01:15,641 - Absolutely not. - No, we're Royalists. - Oh, good. 22 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,559 Something of a Royalist myself. 23 00:01:17,558 --> 00:01:20,237 - Really? - Small world. - Yeah, isn't it? 24 00:01:20,236 --> 00:01:23,835 Would you consider yourself to be enjoying good fortunes, 25 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:26,472 suffering bad fortunes, or don't know? 26 00:01:26,471 --> 00:01:29,310 My entire estate has just been taken over by Roundheads, 27 00:01:29,309 --> 00:01:32,548 half of my family killed and my carriage burnt to the ground. 28 00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:35,905 Bad fortunes, then. Honestly, it's terrible here, all this crime. 29 00:01:35,903 --> 00:01:38,902 Oh, last but not least, would you say you were really rich, 30 00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:41,380 a bit rich, quite poor or very poor? 31 00:01:41,379 --> 00:01:45,658 Well, this is my last sixpence. 32 00:01:45,656 --> 00:01:47,735 Very poor, righto! 33 00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:49,613 To summarise, you're down on your luck 34 00:01:49,612 --> 00:01:51,411 and you don't have any money. 35 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:53,690 So then, I guess there's only one thing for it. 36 00:01:53,689 --> 00:01:54,848 Oh! 37 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,767 Here's a bag of gold coins 38 00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:58,326 to tide you over. 39 00:01:58,325 --> 00:02:01,884 S-sorry, it's just traditionally, in my experience, 40 00:02:01,883 --> 00:02:03,722 - robberies don't work this way. - No. 41 00:02:03,721 --> 00:02:07,880 If you were a Parliamentarian, it'd be a very different story indeed, 42 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,597 but I've got a bit of a soft spot for fellow Royalists, 43 00:02:10,596 --> 00:02:13,315 especially if they're having a hard time. So come on, fill your boots. 44 00:02:13,313 --> 00:02:14,912 Thank you. 45 00:02:14,912 --> 00:02:16,831 Thank you. 46 00:02:16,831 --> 00:02:18,550 No problem. 47 00:02:18,549 --> 00:02:21,468 Well, suppose I better shoot, so to speak. 48 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:24,946 See what I did then? Yeah, well mind how you go now. 49 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:28,423 - Well, he seemed nice. - Absolutely charming. 50 00:02:28,421 --> 00:02:31,140 Stand and deliver, your money or your life. 51 00:02:31,139 --> 00:02:33,179 No, thank you, we're Royalists. 52 00:02:35,735 --> 00:02:37,254 HE LAUGHS 53 00:02:37,254 --> 00:02:41,133 That's right, James Hind was a Royalist highwayman 54 00:02:41,131 --> 00:02:43,530 who stole from the supporters of Parliament, 55 00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:45,888 and eventually was killed by them too. 56 00:02:45,887 --> 00:02:48,326 So he didn't survive to see the crowning 57 00:02:48,325 --> 00:02:50,804 of the next King Charles II, but if he had, 58 00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:53,402 I bet he would have wanted a souvenir. 59 00:02:53,401 --> 00:02:55,920 - When he comes, you do the talking. - I'll just start. 60 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:57,278 I'll pick it up from there. 61 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,597 He's coming, he's coming. 62 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,235 I simply can't wait to see 63 00:03:01,235 --> 00:03:03,834 what you've made to celebrate my coronation. 64 00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:08,032 - Aye, you will not be disappointed. - Ooh, what is it? 65 00:03:08,030 --> 00:03:14,189 An oil painting of me by world renowned Dutch artist Rembrandt. 66 00:03:14,185 --> 00:03:16,904 - It's better than that, Your Majesty. - Ooh! 67 00:03:16,903 --> 00:03:18,862 Is it an image of me 68 00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:22,300 in a massive new stained glass window in Westminster Abbey? 69 00:03:22,298 --> 00:03:24,817 - Even better! - Oh, you haven't?! 70 00:03:24,816 --> 00:03:30,335 It's a diamond and ruby encrusted solid gold statue of me. 71 00:03:30,332 --> 00:03:32,972 - I love it, show me! - Ta-dah! 72 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,887 It is the first ever royal coronation mug, Your Majesty. 73 00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,125 A mug?! 74 00:03:39,125 --> 00:03:42,724 A mug of your mug. 75 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,601 A mug with my face on it? 76 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,520 Indeed. 77 00:03:48,517 --> 00:03:49,916 MUG SHATTERS 78 00:03:49,916 --> 00:03:51,435 Oh, dear! 79 00:03:51,435 --> 00:03:53,555 There appears to have been an accident. 80 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,468 - That went well. - No. 81 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:17,057 Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome to Historical Fashion Fix. 82 00:04:17,054 --> 00:04:20,653 This week, I'll be making over a Middle Ages peasant 83 00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:23,090 - and here he is, Gilbert. - Hi. 84 00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:24,968 Oh, stop filming, stop filming! 85 00:04:24,968 --> 00:04:28,727 - It smells like a blocked drain in here. - That might be me, sorry. 86 00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:31,884 Oh, Gilbert, my love. Do you never wash your clothes? 87 00:04:31,882 --> 00:04:33,601 Oh, no. My lovely wife, Pat, 88 00:04:33,601 --> 00:04:36,160 - she washes them in the best stuff. - What's that? 89 00:04:36,159 --> 00:04:37,599 Old wee. 90 00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:42,395 Smelling salts for the star and a skinny mocha! 91 00:04:42,394 --> 00:04:43,674 Can I get one of those? 92 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:50,431 Right, Gilbert, let's see if we can't turn you into a Middle Ages noble. 93 00:04:50,428 --> 00:04:53,628 But first things first, let's get you cleaned up, darling. 94 00:04:56,703 --> 00:05:00,582 - Well, that is so much better. - Feels better, Lee. - Great! 95 00:05:00,579 --> 00:05:03,378 Er, only, is this all I get? 96 00:05:03,377 --> 00:05:06,296 - Because I feel a little exposed. - Of course not. 97 00:05:06,295 --> 00:05:08,575 You'll be wearing a tunic too. 98 00:05:10,212 --> 00:05:12,571 Tunic's a bit short. 99 00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:16,209 Short tunics are the very latest Middle Ages fashion. 100 00:05:16,207 --> 00:05:17,646 And these shoes? 101 00:05:17,646 --> 00:05:21,125 They're called poulaines, as they originated in Poland. 102 00:05:21,123 --> 00:05:23,002 They're the very latest thing. 103 00:05:23,002 --> 00:05:27,161 - Quite hard to walk in. If I... Oh! - You OK? 104 00:05:27,158 --> 00:05:29,557 - Yeah. - You all right? - Yeah, I'm all right. 105 00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:33,516 We'll fix the... Can we get the shoes fixed? We'll get the shoes fixed. 106 00:05:35,152 --> 00:05:39,071 A chain fastens the point of the shoe to the knee, 107 00:05:39,069 --> 00:05:41,908 tres chic and no more tripping. 108 00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:46,266 Let's remind ourselves just how disgusting Gilbert looked before. 109 00:05:49,061 --> 00:05:51,580 Wow, that is a vast improvement. 110 00:05:51,579 --> 00:05:54,818 I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm going to say it anyway, 111 00:05:54,816 --> 00:05:57,135 I don't just look like a Middle Ages nobleman, 112 00:05:57,134 --> 00:06:00,813 I feel like a Middle Ages nobleman. Thanks, Lee. 113 00:06:00,811 --> 00:06:03,410 - Come here, peasant! I'm arresting you. - What for? 114 00:06:03,409 --> 00:06:06,288 - That outfit, it's criminal! - Oh, that's weak. 115 00:06:06,287 --> 00:06:08,766 - It - IS - criminal. Only nobleman are allowed to wear 116 00:06:08,765 --> 00:06:10,644 - fine clothes in the Middle Ages. - What? 117 00:06:10,643 --> 00:06:13,722 - Come along, princess. - Did you know about this? - Come here! 118 00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:16,720 - Why didn't you say? - I didn't know. Stop being so hideous! 119 00:06:16,718 --> 00:06:18,357 Well, that's it for this week. 120 00:06:18,357 --> 00:06:21,116 Join us next time when I'll be teaching a Roman slave 121 00:06:21,115 --> 00:06:24,754 how to look fierce in fur, by being swallowed by a lion. 122 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,791 See you then. 123 00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:29,269 It's true! In the Middle Ages, 124 00:06:29,268 --> 00:06:32,907 us peasants could be arrested for wearing fine clothes. It's not fair. 125 00:06:32,906 --> 00:06:36,066 And some of the jobs we had to do were pretty measly, too. 126 00:06:37,142 --> 00:06:39,701 - Morning, Mick. - Geoff. 127 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:43,099 Can't help but notice you're stood in the middle of a pond, Geoff. 128 00:06:43,097 --> 00:06:46,416 - Oh, yeah. I've got a new job, haven't I? - Oh, right? 129 00:06:46,415 --> 00:06:49,374 - Duck inspector? Scare toad? - No, no. 130 00:06:49,372 --> 00:06:50,971 I'm a leech collector. 131 00:06:50,971 --> 00:06:52,690 - Oh, right? - Yeah. 132 00:06:52,690 --> 00:06:54,729 The medical profession use leeches 133 00:06:54,728 --> 00:06:57,367 for everything these days. There's money to be made 134 00:06:57,366 --> 00:07:00,525 from collecting the leeches, selling them to the doctors. 135 00:07:00,523 --> 00:07:01,522 I suppose there is. 136 00:07:01,523 --> 00:07:03,802 So what are you using as bait, then? 137 00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:07,360 - All sorts of things. I tell you what they really love. - What? 138 00:07:07,358 --> 00:07:10,757 Me! Oh! Oh, that hurts! Like a thousand tiny needles 139 00:07:10,755 --> 00:07:12,274 in a single inch of flesh! 140 00:07:12,274 --> 00:07:16,753 - And voila! One leech. Easy, really. - Ah. 141 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:20,829 - You enjoy this line of work then, do you? - Ah, you know, mustn't grumble. 142 00:07:20,827 --> 00:07:24,146 Ow! Oh, that hurts so bad! It's more than a man can endure! 143 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:28,823 There's another one. Yeah, you know, can't complain. 144 00:07:28,821 --> 00:07:33,621 Oh! Oh, that stings like crazy. Oh, for the love of what's good and pure! 145 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,774 - It got away. - Well, I've got to say, Geoff, 146 00:07:38,773 --> 00:07:40,412 it looks like it SUCKS! 147 00:07:40,411 --> 00:07:42,651 HE LAUGHS 148 00:07:44,288 --> 00:07:46,167 Not sure I quite get that one, Mick. 149 00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:51,446 Oh! Ow! Come on, boys, one at a time. 150 00:07:51,443 --> 00:07:53,403 Oh, and that's not sporting! 151 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,479 That's right, 152 00:07:55,479 --> 00:07:58,598 slimy leeches were used for medical cures in the Middle Ages. 153 00:07:58,597 --> 00:08:00,636 Wouldn't happen nowadays, right? 154 00:08:00,635 --> 00:08:03,194 Wrong! Some modern hospitals still use 155 00:08:03,193 --> 00:08:06,592 the little bloodsuckers for cleaning out infected wounds. Huh! 156 00:08:06,590 --> 00:08:10,429 If only there was a market for fleas, I'd be a millionaire. 157 00:08:10,427 --> 00:08:12,467 Oh, easy boys. 158 00:08:25,575 --> 00:08:29,454 Freeze! DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad. 159 00:08:29,452 --> 00:08:33,851 Oh, Detective, thank goodness you're here! 160 00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:37,328 I am the Emperor Caligula and I've been scared out of my wits. 161 00:08:37,326 --> 00:08:40,206 No need to worry, Emperor. Leave this to the professionals. 162 00:08:41,203 --> 00:08:42,482 Victim is male. 163 00:08:42,482 --> 00:08:44,161 Severe mutilations. 164 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,919 I'll soon get my hands on the animal who tortured and killed this man. 165 00:08:47,917 --> 00:08:50,436 Oh, him? Oh, don't worry, that was me. 166 00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,474 That's just a friend that I got bored of. 167 00:08:52,474 --> 00:08:55,713 - Now, let me tell you about this crime. - No need to, 168 00:08:55,711 --> 00:08:58,190 I can see for myself. 169 00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,388 Ah! Victim has had his hands chopped off 170 00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:03,666 and a sign put about his neck, 171 00:09:03,665 --> 00:09:06,064 encouraging people to laugh and jeer. 172 00:09:06,063 --> 00:09:09,022 What kind of madman would do this? 173 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:10,379 Yep, that'll be me again! 174 00:09:10,379 --> 00:09:14,658 - You did it? - Such a fun party. Now, about this crime. 175 00:09:14,656 --> 00:09:15,855 Oh, mother! 176 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:19,574 What kind of sick-minded madman would attack a priest with a hammer? 177 00:09:19,572 --> 00:09:22,491 Mm, you're really not getting the hang of this, are you? 178 00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:23,769 That was me, too. 179 00:09:23,769 --> 00:09:26,488 He was trying to sacrifice a bull, 180 00:09:26,487 --> 00:09:28,886 but he gave me the hammer, to do the honours 181 00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,644 and then I hit him with it instead! 182 00:09:30,643 --> 00:09:31,922 HE GIGGLES 183 00:09:31,922 --> 00:09:33,281 Priceless! 184 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,640 All these bodies were me. 185 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:39,398 So, why exactly did you call me here? 186 00:09:39,396 --> 00:09:43,035 I think someone's trying to kill me. 187 00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:44,512 - You don't say. - Mm. 188 00:09:44,512 --> 00:09:47,831 Believe it or not, I think there's one or two people out there 189 00:09:47,829 --> 00:09:52,788 who, for some unknown reason, don't seem to like me. 190 00:09:52,785 --> 00:09:54,224 One or two? 191 00:09:54,224 --> 00:09:57,143 I imagine half the empire would like to see you dead. 192 00:09:57,142 --> 00:09:59,221 Really? You think so? 193 00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:04,899 Well, in which case I'd better bump off anyone acting suspiciously. 194 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:08,135 Victims were all killed by one paranoid 195 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:10,852 and clearly psychotic Roman emperor. 196 00:10:10,851 --> 00:10:16,770 Mm. Talking into a small box? Talk about acting suspiciously. 197 00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:20,005 What do you think, Whackus Bonkus? 198 00:10:20,004 --> 00:10:22,083 "Kill him!" Ooh! 199 00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:24,281 You naughty Whackus Bonkus! 200 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,599 What a good idea. 201 00:10:25,599 --> 00:10:26,638 HE GIGGLES 202 00:10:26,638 --> 00:10:29,477 Er, detective? 203 00:10:29,476 --> 00:10:32,755 That Emperor Caligula really did have criminals killed 204 00:10:32,753 --> 00:10:34,632 at his dinner parties for fun, 205 00:10:34,632 --> 00:10:37,231 and that wasn't the only way lawbreakers could come 206 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,430 to a sticky end in Roman times. 207 00:10:40,587 --> 00:10:44,626 Global Gladiator Entertainment presents Arena Fighter. 208 00:10:44,624 --> 00:10:46,303 You are a Noxius, 209 00:10:46,303 --> 00:10:49,262 a Roman criminal condemned to fight in the Roman arena. 210 00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:53,979 Player one, select opponent. Gaius the Gladiator selected. 211 00:10:53,976 --> 00:10:55,495 Woah, woah, woah. Time out. 212 00:10:55,495 --> 00:10:59,414 Listen, I know I'm just a criminal and that, but I can't fight 213 00:10:59,412 --> 00:11:02,651 a highly-trained, heavily- armed professional gladiator, 214 00:11:02,649 --> 00:11:06,368 you know? I mean, it's just not fair. 215 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,206 Can you select someone else, please? 216 00:11:08,205 --> 00:11:10,644 Player one, select new opponent. 217 00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:13,322 Cheers. Thanks. Much appreciated. 218 00:11:13,321 --> 00:11:14,800 Brutus the Bear selected. 219 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:15,839 BEAR GROWLS 220 00:11:15,839 --> 00:11:16,878 Seriously? 221 00:11:16,878 --> 00:11:19,517 How is that any better, huh? 222 00:11:19,516 --> 00:11:21,595 He's going to tear me to pieces. 223 00:11:21,594 --> 00:11:24,553 Can you not select a player that's a bit more in my league? 224 00:11:24,552 --> 00:11:26,511 Player one, select new opponent. 225 00:11:26,510 --> 00:11:28,869 Unarmed Noxius selected. 226 00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:31,947 An unarmed criminal? Now you're talking! 227 00:11:31,946 --> 00:11:34,385 Fight begins. 228 00:11:34,384 --> 00:11:35,983 Urgh! Ooh! 229 00:11:35,983 --> 00:11:39,303 Aarrgh! 230 00:11:39,340 --> 00:11:41,739 Yes! Get in! 231 00:11:41,738 --> 00:11:44,937 Player one wins. Play again. 232 00:11:44,936 --> 00:11:46,695 No, thanks. I'll pass. 233 00:11:46,694 --> 00:11:49,213 You have to play again. It's winner stays on. 234 00:11:49,212 --> 00:11:50,971 Player one, select new opponent. 235 00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:55,130 - Noxius selected. - Another Noxius? 236 00:11:55,127 --> 00:11:56,847 I could kill these idiots all day. 237 00:11:58,605 --> 00:12:00,844 Hang on, where's my weapon gone? 238 00:12:00,843 --> 00:12:04,002 It's winner stays on, only without the weapons. 239 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,799 Arena Fighter. How long can you survive? 240 00:12:06,798 --> 00:12:08,157 About 30 seconds, I reckon. 241 00:12:08,157 --> 00:12:11,556 No, no, no... 242 00:12:11,554 --> 00:12:14,713 Pow! Jab! Oh, hello. You're there. 243 00:12:14,712 --> 00:12:18,591 Fights in the Roman arena were hugely popular spectator sports, 244 00:12:18,589 --> 00:12:20,628 a bit like the football of their day, 245 00:12:20,627 --> 00:12:23,026 only with a lot more injury time. 246 00:12:23,025 --> 00:12:26,224 If you lost your fight and you were lying on the sand, 247 00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:30,142 not moving, two blokes were sent out dressed as Roman gods 248 00:12:30,139 --> 00:12:32,179 to make sure you were dead. 249 00:12:34,456 --> 00:12:38,855 Ave, Flavius. I see you're playing Mercury the Messenger God today. 250 00:12:38,852 --> 00:12:42,651 Ave, Marcus, or should I say Dis, God of the Dead? 251 00:12:42,649 --> 00:12:45,768 Ooh, I'm liking the new wings. 252 00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,366 I thank you. Yes, the old ones were getting a bit manky. 253 00:12:48,365 --> 00:12:50,364 I thought these made me look more godlike. 254 00:12:50,363 --> 00:12:51,442 CROWD CHEERING 255 00:12:51,442 --> 00:12:52,681 Ooh, 256 00:12:52,681 --> 00:12:55,160 - looks like you're on. - Back in a tick. 257 00:12:55,159 --> 00:12:58,238 I am Mercury, Messenger God. 258 00:12:58,237 --> 00:13:00,197 HEAVY BLOWS 259 00:13:01,554 --> 00:13:03,873 - Is he dead? - I think so, yeah. 260 00:13:03,872 --> 00:13:06,671 Put my red hot poker in and he didn't make a sound. 261 00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:08,389 Well, better make sure. 262 00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:10,668 Oh, by the way you got a little... 263 00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:13,387 - Oh. - On your cheek. - Oh, right. 264 00:13:14,264 --> 00:13:18,983 I am Dis, God of the Dead, come to claim this man. 265 00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:20,019 HEAVY BLOW 266 00:13:20,019 --> 00:13:21,069 CHEERING 267 00:13:22,418 --> 00:13:24,737 Well, if he wasn't dead then, he sure is now. 268 00:13:24,736 --> 00:13:25,895 THEY LAUGH 269 00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:29,374 - Ooh, you've got a bit of, um... - Eh? - On your ear. 270 00:13:29,372 --> 00:13:31,371 Oh, right. 271 00:13:31,370 --> 00:13:33,049 - Have I got it? - Not quite, no. 272 00:13:33,049 --> 00:13:34,328 CHEERING 273 00:13:34,328 --> 00:13:36,848 - Oh, you're on again. - Busy day. 274 00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,403 I am Mercury, Messenger God. 275 00:13:41,402 --> 00:13:42,441 SIZZLING 276 00:13:42,442 --> 00:13:44,081 Aarrgh! 277 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,079 Not dead then? 278 00:13:45,079 --> 00:13:48,198 Not quite and he didn't like the red hot poker very much. 279 00:13:48,197 --> 00:13:50,116 I think you've got a little bit of, er, 280 00:13:50,115 --> 00:13:52,034 - sword. - Ah. 281 00:13:52,034 --> 00:13:54,354 Might have to take tomorrow off. 282 00:14:10,619 --> 00:14:12,978 The answer is 283 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,697 C, four years old. 284 00:14:19,772 --> 00:14:24,812 It really could be hard work being a child in Victorian times. 285 00:14:30,443 --> 00:14:33,642 In good old Queen Victoria's day 286 00:14:33,641 --> 00:14:36,440 Industrial revolution 287 00:14:36,438 --> 00:14:39,477 Meant bosses said please we need more employees 288 00:14:39,476 --> 00:14:42,635 We needed a solution. 289 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:47,912 Who will climb our chimneys? Who will power our grids? 290 00:14:47,909 --> 00:14:51,548 Victorian families so desperately poor 291 00:14:51,546 --> 00:14:57,385 They'll let us employ their kids for... 292 00:14:57,382 --> 00:15:00,421 Work, terrible work 293 00:15:00,419 --> 00:15:01,818 From very young ages 294 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,017 Up chimneys to clean 295 00:15:04,016 --> 00:15:06,935 Paid pitiful wages 296 00:15:06,934 --> 00:15:09,733 Work, terrible work 297 00:15:09,732 --> 00:15:11,571 Pins make you work faster 298 00:15:11,570 --> 00:15:14,089 If we grew too big 299 00:15:14,088 --> 00:15:16,448 Get sacked by the master 300 00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:25,600 Now you're all in my employ 301 00:15:25,599 --> 00:15:28,278 Cleaning in the factory 302 00:15:28,277 --> 00:15:31,476 - We're not very strong - And the hours are long 303 00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:34,673 This work is unsatisfactory 304 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:37,871 Dare not to get caught in spokes 305 00:15:37,869 --> 00:15:40,508 Or trap our hands in gauges 306 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,426 To stop machines and get you out 307 00:15:43,425 --> 00:15:47,545 Will cost you a week's wages 308 00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:51,299 Work, terrible work 309 00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,857 There's no health or safety 310 00:15:53,856 --> 00:15:56,335 So if we get hurt 311 00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:58,933 They will just replace me 312 00:15:58,932 --> 00:16:01,372 Work, terrible work. 313 00:16:02,809 --> 00:16:05,208 Sorry. 314 00:16:05,207 --> 00:16:06,257 WHISTLES 315 00:16:08,485 --> 00:16:13,084 Now that I am short of cash I have to pick pockets 316 00:16:13,081 --> 00:16:18,360 Wallets from gentlemen and ladies lockets 317 00:16:18,357 --> 00:16:22,796 Small enough to get away hardly ever caught 318 00:16:22,793 --> 00:16:26,752 And if we are, we're kids, you see to cry is what we're taught 319 00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:27,989 Boo hoo! 320 00:16:27,989 --> 00:16:30,988 Work, terrible work 321 00:16:30,987 --> 00:16:33,346 Dangerous and demeaning 322 00:16:33,345 --> 00:16:35,784 No time to complain 323 00:16:35,783 --> 00:16:38,262 Get back to your cleaning 324 00:16:38,261 --> 00:16:40,500 Work, terrible work 325 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,658 Guess what we are dreaming? 326 00:16:42,657 --> 00:16:44,976 School, glorious school 327 00:16:44,975 --> 00:16:47,574 Wonderful school marvellous school 328 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:53,533 Wish we went to school. 329 00:17:01,082 --> 00:17:05,561 Hello, I'm Dominic Duckworth and this is the age of chivalry. 330 00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:08,478 An age of gallant knights and fair play. 331 00:17:08,477 --> 00:17:11,916 Am I right? No! I'm absolutely wrong. 332 00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:14,993 Today on HHTV Investigates, I'll be lifting the lid 333 00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:17,990 on the corrupt rule-breaking that is changing the face 334 00:17:17,989 --> 00:17:19,429 of chivalric tournaments. 335 00:17:22,026 --> 00:17:25,105 One traumatised knight agreed to speak to me. 336 00:17:25,103 --> 00:17:27,742 Before the joust, there's a thing called the melee, 337 00:17:27,741 --> 00:17:30,180 where all of the knights have this big fight. 338 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:33,378 There's only really one rule - try not to kill anybody. 339 00:17:33,377 --> 00:17:37,256 Anyway, there was this brute of a knight, Sir Henry Belvedere 340 00:17:37,253 --> 00:17:39,452 - and he, um... - Go on. 341 00:17:39,452 --> 00:17:42,891 - He tried to kill me. - What evidence do you have? - Well, 342 00:17:42,889 --> 00:17:45,088 he did this. Ah! Ah! 343 00:17:45,087 --> 00:17:48,806 This is the safe area, where during the melee, 344 00:17:48,804 --> 00:17:51,843 knights can take a time-out without fear of being attacked. 345 00:17:51,842 --> 00:17:53,242 Oh, sorry. 346 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,879 Now, the safe area is indeed an area that is safe. Am I right? 347 00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:02,155 No, I'm absolutely wrong. This is exactly where Sir Henry 348 00:18:02,154 --> 00:18:04,753 broke the "try-not-to-kill-anyone" rule. 349 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,230 With corruption and law breaking rife in a once clean sport, 350 00:18:08,229 --> 00:18:12,508 it's time for Dom to go undercover. 351 00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:17,384 Right, so Brother Dom is ready for action. Got my bible cam, 352 00:18:17,381 --> 00:18:20,501 let's go and find Sir Henry, ask him some questions. 353 00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:24,136 Sir Henry, 354 00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,615 - Congratulations on winning the tournament. - Thank you, Brother 355 00:18:27,613 --> 00:18:29,332 I won this big fish. 356 00:18:29,332 --> 00:18:31,051 Bit weird, I know, but... 357 00:18:31,050 --> 00:18:33,409 I couldn't help noticing outside, your lance, 358 00:18:33,408 --> 00:18:36,207 - Bit longer than regulation, isn't it? - What? 359 00:18:36,206 --> 00:18:38,725 Easier for you to knock people off their horses. 360 00:18:38,724 --> 00:18:42,403 - What are you suggesting, Brother? - What about this saddle of yours? 361 00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:45,080 It screws into your armour to ensure you can't be 362 00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:46,358 knocked off your horse. 363 00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:48,597 You know, I don't like what you're insinuating. 364 00:18:48,596 --> 00:18:52,115 Back off, Sir Henry. knights aren't allowed to attack religious people, 365 00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:54,753 so you're not going to hit me, am I right? 366 00:18:54,751 --> 00:18:57,070 Ow, he hit me with a fish! 367 00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:58,669 That stinks! 368 00:18:58,668 --> 00:19:00,588 Oh, no! 369 00:19:02,745 --> 00:19:05,584 Next week, we'll be looking into the Middle Ages 370 00:19:05,583 --> 00:19:08,502 counterfeiting rackets that's rocking the world trade 371 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:09,739 of holy relics. 372 00:19:09,739 --> 00:19:14,018 We'll be asking, "Is there really three heads of John the Baptist?" 373 00:19:14,016 --> 00:19:16,856 See you then. I need to go to hospital. 374 00:19:17,893 --> 00:19:21,972 It's true! Some knights really did cheat in tournaments. 375 00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,969 Another method was to get a gang of squires with wooden clubs 376 00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:28,686 to jump on their opponents on the way to a contest and beat him up. 377 00:19:28,684 --> 00:19:30,363 Think I'll stick to tiddlywinks. 378 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:33,523 Even that might be better than what happened to these knights. 379 00:19:35,719 --> 00:19:38,038 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 380 00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:40,236 They're funny cos they're true. 381 00:19:40,235 --> 00:19:43,034 Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, 382 00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:46,192 Hope next time it's not you. Hee-Hee! 383 00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,789 I'm thinking of getting my teeth done. Yeah. 384 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:52,907 Oh, you have a spare set? Oh, you are a love. Let's talk later. Next! 385 00:19:52,905 --> 00:19:55,544 Ooh look, a boy band. 386 00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:57,182 And who might you be? 387 00:19:57,181 --> 00:19:59,540 We are the Knights Templar. 388 00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,739 Yes, I agree. It'll never work. 389 00:20:01,738 --> 00:20:04,777 You'll have to think of a new name. Barron Knights, perhaps? 390 00:20:04,775 --> 00:20:09,014 No, we are Knights Templar. Knights from the sacred Order of the Temple. 391 00:20:09,012 --> 00:20:11,611 The most skilled and feared Christian fighting units 392 00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:12,689 in the Crusades. 393 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:16,168 What, feared because of your dreadful smell? Ah-woo-ah! 394 00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:18,805 - Yes, I think that might be me. - Yeah, that's him all right. 395 00:20:18,804 --> 00:20:20,563 - Don't be like that. - Well, you stink. 396 00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:23,882 Ooh, I sense a story here. Go on. 397 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,119 Yes, we were doing a night- time raid on a Saracen camp. 398 00:20:27,117 --> 00:20:30,676 It was all going terribly well. We managed to sneak in unnoticed. 399 00:20:30,675 --> 00:20:33,314 The element of surprise was very much on our side. 400 00:20:33,312 --> 00:20:36,431 But as we were making our way through the tents, 401 00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:37,949 I tripped over a tent pole. 402 00:20:37,949 --> 00:20:39,508 Yes, and? 403 00:20:39,507 --> 00:20:42,466 - And fell headfirst into a hole. - Uh-huh? 404 00:20:42,465 --> 00:20:45,904 Which unfortunately turned out to be their toilet. 405 00:20:45,902 --> 00:20:47,341 Oh, hence the "Whoo!" 406 00:20:47,341 --> 00:20:52,820 Yes, I got stuck and drowned in the, um... 407 00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:57,496 You fell headfirst into a toilet and then you drowned! 408 00:20:57,493 --> 00:20:58,612 HE LAUGHS 409 00:20:58,612 --> 00:21:00,331 That is priceless! 410 00:21:00,331 --> 00:21:02,810 - And that's not all. - Ooh, goody! There's more. 411 00:21:02,809 --> 00:21:05,488 He made such a noise, he woke all the Saracens 412 00:21:05,487 --> 00:21:08,886 and they swiftly surrounded and killed the rest of us. 413 00:21:08,884 --> 00:21:11,003 - I said sorry about that. - Nincompoop! 414 00:21:11,002 --> 00:21:13,001 "Poop" being the operative word! 415 00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:14,360 Ha! All right! 416 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:18,239 Well, guys, congratulations, you're through to the afterlife. 417 00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:21,475 Er, the showers are on the left just as you go in. 418 00:21:21,474 --> 00:21:22,713 After POO! Ha-ha! 419 00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:24,832 I love my job sometimes. 420 00:21:24,831 --> 00:21:28,590 No, you can't mentor them. You don't have the bands this year. 421 00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:29,667 Next! 422 00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,906 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 423 00:21:31,906 --> 00:21:35,146 Hope next time it's not yo-o-ou! 424 00:21:50,162 --> 00:21:52,250 HE BREAKS WIND 425 00:21:52,249 --> 00:21:54,289 Ooh. 426 00:21:57,725 --> 00:22:01,724 And we get the word Spartan, which means strict or disciplined, 427 00:22:01,722 --> 00:22:04,361 from us Spartans. Yeah. 428 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:08,039 I don't care if you were hungry, you shouldn't have been stealing. 429 00:22:08,037 --> 00:22:11,156 Is Mrs J going to make me pay for it? 430 00:22:11,154 --> 00:22:12,393 It's not Mrs Jones, today. 431 00:22:12,393 --> 00:22:15,512 We have another of our substitute head teachers from the past. 432 00:22:15,511 --> 00:22:19,391 - Oh, no. - Mr Brasidas from Ancient Sparta will see you now. 433 00:22:22,185 --> 00:22:23,904 ..get defensive about it, 434 00:22:23,904 --> 00:22:27,503 I'm simply telling you no-one wants kedgeree two days in a row. 435 00:22:27,501 --> 00:22:28,780 Sorry. 436 00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:32,339 Ah, I can see why you're in trouble straight away. 437 00:22:32,337 --> 00:22:34,416 A boy wearing shoes on his feet? 438 00:22:34,415 --> 00:22:35,894 Criminal! 439 00:22:35,894 --> 00:22:37,333 I shall have to beat you. 440 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:38,892 Actually, Mr Brasidas, 441 00:22:38,892 --> 00:22:40,731 Lewis has been stealing. 442 00:22:40,730 --> 00:22:42,809 What? Stealing? 443 00:22:42,809 --> 00:22:44,888 Well done, lad! 444 00:22:44,887 --> 00:22:48,206 That's exactly the kind of thing we encourage at Spartan school. 445 00:22:48,204 --> 00:22:52,203 Maybe we'll forget about the whole shoe thing, shall we? Off you pop. 446 00:22:52,201 --> 00:22:55,720 I knew reducing the food portions would lead to behaviour like this. 447 00:22:55,718 --> 00:22:59,277 - Mr Brasidas, stealing is wrong. It should be punished. - Nonsense! 448 00:22:59,276 --> 00:23:03,195 It's a great lesson for any warrior - win by any means. 449 00:23:03,192 --> 00:23:06,951 We need to teach children to be sneaky in order to win battles. 450 00:23:06,949 --> 00:23:10,788 That's a relief. I thought I was in trouble when they caught me. 451 00:23:10,786 --> 00:23:12,665 What? Caught you? 452 00:23:12,665 --> 00:23:17,184 Stealing may not be frowned upon, but being caught stealing is. 453 00:23:17,181 --> 00:23:21,260 - Well, I shall have to beat you after all. - Actually, Mr Brasidas, 454 00:23:21,258 --> 00:23:22,417 you're not allowed to do this. 455 00:23:22,417 --> 00:23:25,456 It came up in a governor's meeting and it was a no-no. 456 00:23:25,455 --> 00:23:28,374 Completely ridiculous! Next thing, you'll be telling me 457 00:23:28,372 --> 00:23:31,971 I can't line up boys in front of a statue of Artemis 458 00:23:31,969 --> 00:23:34,888 and whip them till they drop, to find our who's strongest. 459 00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:36,646 I'm sure you can't do that, either. 460 00:23:36,646 --> 00:23:39,885 But we have a play at Christmas. Is that the same kind of thing? 461 00:23:39,883 --> 00:23:42,202 No, not really. 462 00:23:42,201 --> 00:23:45,920 No, I shall have to beat you. Prepare for your beating, boy. 463 00:23:45,918 --> 00:23:49,038 Now, where's my beating stick. 464 00:23:50,594 --> 00:23:51,673 Have you stolen it? 465 00:23:51,674 --> 00:23:54,953 No, sir! I'm hurt you'd even suggest it. 466 00:23:54,951 --> 00:23:58,511 There's hope for you yet. Off you go. 467 00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:03,904 Yes, it's true! 468 00:24:03,904 --> 00:24:08,463 Spartan boys were beaten, whipped, starved and bullied at school, 469 00:24:08,460 --> 00:24:11,059 which was great for turning out fearsome warriors. 470 00:24:11,058 --> 00:24:14,857 Probably not so good for turning out creative geniuses like me. 471 00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:19,894 Do you like it? It's my latest. I call it Homage To Fromage. 472 00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:23,170 I'm putting it on Fleabay with a reserve of 5p. 473 00:24:23,168 --> 00:24:25,328 What do you mean, too high? Ah! 474 00:24:38,676 --> 00:24:41,275 The prickling of the thistles supposedly gave them 475 00:24:41,274 --> 00:24:43,394 a feeling of warmth in the winter. 476 00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:52,947 In 1813, repair work was carried out on the royal tombs at Windsor 477 00:24:52,945 --> 00:24:56,224 and George IV was actually there when some of them were opened. 478 00:24:56,222 --> 00:24:59,462 Well, I suppose that's one way of getting to know your ancestors. 479 00:25:00,778 --> 00:25:04,537 King George IV is well known for his love of art, fashion, 480 00:25:04,535 --> 00:25:07,574 architecture, Catholic women and food. 481 00:25:07,573 --> 00:25:10,212 - Vast amounts of food. - I can hear you. 482 00:25:10,211 --> 00:25:11,930 I can hear you when you say that. 483 00:25:11,929 --> 00:25:15,768 But today, we aim to find out the truth about his past, 484 00:25:15,766 --> 00:25:18,926 tracing his family tree as we ask the question... 485 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,279 We've enlisted the help 486 00:25:25,279 --> 00:25:27,838 of leading family historian Sir Francis Guesswork, 487 00:25:27,837 --> 00:25:32,476 who has come here to Windsor Castle to meet the King himself. 488 00:25:32,473 --> 00:25:36,752 Well, from the records I have found so far, birth certificates 489 00:25:36,749 --> 00:25:40,508 and that sort of thing, I think there's a very strong possibility 490 00:25:40,506 --> 00:25:43,506 that you are descended from royalty. 491 00:25:45,462 --> 00:25:48,301 Well, of course I'm descended from royalty. 492 00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:49,350 I'm King! 493 00:25:50,339 --> 00:25:52,138 Oh, so you knew? 494 00:25:52,137 --> 00:25:54,976 Well, my dad was King, my great-grandfather was King 495 00:25:54,975 --> 00:25:58,214 and his father was King, so, er, yeah, I had an inkling. 496 00:25:58,212 --> 00:26:00,131 Oh. Ah! 497 00:26:00,131 --> 00:26:02,370 But did you know that your great, great, 498 00:26:02,369 --> 00:26:05,568 - great uncle's father was also a king? - Yes! 499 00:26:05,566 --> 00:26:08,925 - King Charles I. Beheaded by the Puritans. - Right. 500 00:26:08,924 --> 00:26:12,243 Ah, but did you know that your great, great, great, great, 501 00:26:12,241 --> 00:26:14,640 - great, great, great... - Oh, this is boring! 502 00:26:14,639 --> 00:26:17,838 What are you doing? How am I meant to research your relatives 503 00:26:17,837 --> 00:26:19,236 without my notes? 504 00:26:19,235 --> 00:26:22,674 - Well, we can go and pay them a visit if you'd like. - How? They're dead. 505 00:26:22,673 --> 00:26:25,952 - The family tombs in a little chapel on the castle grounds. - Oh. 506 00:26:25,950 --> 00:26:27,309 Come on, let's have a look. 507 00:26:27,309 --> 00:26:30,828 In an unusual twist on what normally happens in this show, 508 00:26:30,826 --> 00:26:33,625 the King of England has taken our historian 509 00:26:33,624 --> 00:26:36,583 into St George's Chapel, to prod some of his dead relatives. 510 00:26:36,582 --> 00:26:38,301 It's all gone a bit weird, really. 511 00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:39,779 Here we are. 512 00:26:39,779 --> 00:26:42,778 - Who would you like to see first? - I don't want to see anyone. 513 00:26:42,777 --> 00:26:46,216 Oh, you big girl! Look, Henry VIII. 514 00:26:46,214 --> 00:26:48,293 Grrgh! 515 00:26:48,292 --> 00:26:53,451 Yes, he was a big lad, 6'3" or just under. Do you know how I know that? 516 00:26:53,448 --> 00:26:57,287 I got drunk and measured him. 517 00:26:57,285 --> 00:26:59,124 Right, who shall we look at next? 518 00:26:59,123 --> 00:27:01,242 I know! Charles I. 519 00:27:01,242 --> 00:27:03,881 I found his tomb the other day but I haven't opened it yet. 520 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,759 I thought he was beheaded. 521 00:27:05,758 --> 00:27:08,758 No. They stitched his head back on and they buried him. 522 00:27:09,835 --> 00:27:12,794 Ooh, this one's sealed nice and tight. 523 00:27:12,793 --> 00:27:15,273 Eurrgh! 524 00:27:16,430 --> 00:27:19,309 There he is. There's old Charlie. 525 00:27:19,307 --> 00:27:22,826 - Well, he's very well preserved. - Well, it's a well-built tomb, you see, 526 00:27:22,824 --> 00:27:24,743 still had its airtight seal. 527 00:27:24,743 --> 00:27:26,342 - Fascinating(!) - Trouble is, 528 00:27:26,342 --> 00:27:29,181 the body disintegrates quickly once the air gets to it. 529 00:27:29,179 --> 00:27:32,218 you know, bones crumbling, skin cracking, 530 00:27:32,217 --> 00:27:36,216 - eyes popping. - Eyes popping? - Oh, yes. Yeah. 531 00:27:36,214 --> 00:27:37,853 POP! 532 00:27:37,852 --> 00:27:40,251 Urgh! 533 00:27:40,251 --> 00:27:44,811 Oh, I guess you could say that King Charles has got his EYE on you. 534 00:27:44,918 --> 00:27:47,006 HE RETCHES 535 00:27:47,005 --> 00:27:48,055 Oh... 536 00:27:49,683 --> 00:27:53,402 Honestly, some people have no respect for the dead. 537 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:54,719 Tall tales, atrocious acts. 538 00:27:56,059 --> 00:27:57,538 We gave you all the fearsome facts... 539 00:27:57,539 --> 00:28:00,898 Psst! Can you keep a secret? No, me neither. 540 00:28:00,899 --> 00:28:04,378 I've found some great games in the Time Sewers, want to come and play? 541 00:28:04,379 --> 00:28:07,778 Then just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 542 00:28:07,779 --> 00:28:09,778 See you there. 543 00:28:09,779 --> 00:28:10,978 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 544 00:28:10,979 --> 00:28:13,099 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 545 00:28:13,100 --> 00:28:17,650 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0